Typo of the day: this is hulkshit
#writing
Typo of the day: this is hulkshit
#writing
There are a lot of cars in my area with yellow stickers on the back that say “new driver. please be patient”.
I want one that says old driver. get off my roads”
Any time you feel especially burnt out remember that there’s a quantum physics theory that there’s really only one electron in the entire universe holding the whole thing together — and that bitch is overworked. It’s a good day not to be the electron.
Billboard: where are you going? Heaven? Or hell? Me: POTTSTOWN.
If every time you walk into the house it smells horrible but you’ve cleaned everything you can think of, check to see if the dogs think the door mat is a pee pad. #askMeHowIKnow #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday #eeew #soMuchPee
I will turn you into a pair of slippers!
I will turn you into a pierogi!
So help me I will turn you into a boot!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Dear all the people naming shopping centers: you can’t be a “town square” if you’re a strip mall going down the side of a highway
Achievement unlocked: grocery shopping in the start of a blizzard
If you’re driving on a grey day when it’s snowing sideways it would be good if you turned on your goddamned headlights especially if you’re driving a grey SUV
sigh
One of the stories that I published, which was only available to read in an anthology, is now available online:
Three Minutes Ahead
boyertownareaexpression.town.news/g/boyerto…
Something in the living room is being torn to pieces. But the dogs have been barking and yelling for attention all damn day. Right now even if it’s the sofa they’re tearing apart I think I’m ok with it. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Stop sticking your toys under the refrigerator, Mei.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
[ominously] You have missed the turn. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Eat your breakfast. Eat! What is this look? It doesn’t have cheese on it? You are running a con. This is a con you know. OK here’s some cheese now – that’s not enough cheese? I am a sucker. Here.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Doctor: do you exercise? Me: Yes! Doctor: What do you do? Yoga? Pilates? Me: I carry heavy shit in the living room we’ve decided we’re not going to use down the death stairs and then I carry heavy shit we’ve decided to use up the death stairs.
Stop steaming my ankles!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
It is all River ears and snow beard over here
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
No we are not playing fetch. It’s one in the morning.
What are you going to do with that chunk of ice? It’s the size of your head.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
that same dumbass ai pronounced sarsaparilla as sar-sa-pa-rilla. i wanted to cry.
we’re watching some dumbass AI video on how butter is made and it just said “But violence alone won’t make butter!” i’m going to use that to explain the entire state of the world from now on.
That moment you realize you could break the ice in front of the shed if the digging bar wasn’t in the shed.
is it a bad sign that reading the governor’s newsletter makes me want to play www.fallenlondon.com/login ?
#fallenLondon
PSA to the bicentennial babies: schedule your shingles shots for a time you’re not doing anything for 48 hours. (But do get it!) I doubled the first shot up with Covid and flu, and the second one with hep b, and both times I dealt like death warmed over the next day. Go go gadget cytokine storm!
Dog farts: motivating humans to get moving for 25,000 years
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday