the crip tax on paying your taxes when you need to know what you spent to be able to deduct it is astoundingly bad
i think next year i’m going to double-entry-bookkeep all the medical bullshit
thank you Vanguard and Quicken for teaching me bookkeeping, sort of
typo of the day: is it possible that one of these two (screenshot attacked) is the one I’m looking for?
I’m not your dad but this is good advice
I can’t throw it if you’re standing on it!
I am not throwing the frisbee in the house, you little goober!
I swear you can tell when I’ve launched the camera app
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
You’re sitting there raising hell with me get out there and go pee. I’ll turn you into a sausage.
The entire lawn does not require inspection!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
What are you, working for the TSA? Stop inspecting the dishwasher.
Hoy, banana nose. What’re you doing?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Thank you for not slamming into the cement post
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Don’t woof at me! I am not taking your shit!
…says the woman very clearly taking the dog’s shit.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
No context theater: N: What’s the name of the unit we use to measure viscosity?
Me: Molasseses. Molassi?
Typo of the day: this is hulkshit
#writing
There are a lot of cars in my area with yellow stickers on the back that say “new driver. please be patient”.
I want one that says old driver. get off my roads”
Any time you feel especially burnt out remember that there’s a quantum physics theory that there’s really only one electron in the entire universe holding the whole thing together — and that bitch is overworked. It’s a good day not to be the electron.
Billboard: where are you going? Heaven? Or hell? Me: POTTSTOWN.
If every time you walk into the house it smells horrible but you’ve cleaned everything you can think of, check to see if the dogs think the door mat is a pee pad. #askMeHowIKnow #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday #eeew #soMuchPee
I will turn you into a pair of slippers!
I will turn you into a pierogi!
So help me I will turn you into a boot!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Dear all the people naming shopping centers: you can’t be a “town square” if you’re a strip mall going down the side of a highway
Achievement unlocked: grocery shopping in the start of a blizzard
If you’re driving on a grey day when it’s snowing sideways it would be good if you turned on your goddamned headlights especially if you’re driving a grey SUV
sigh
One of the stories that I published, which was only available to read in an anthology, is now available online:
Three Minutes Ahead
boyertownareaexpression.town.news/g/boyerto…
Something in the living room is being torn to pieces. But the dogs have been barking and yelling for attention all damn day. Right now even if it’s the sofa they’re tearing apart I think I’m ok with it. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Stop sticking your toys under the refrigerator, Mei.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
[ominously] You have missed the turn. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Eat your breakfast. Eat! What is this look? It doesn’t have cheese on it? You are running a con. This is a con you know. OK here’s some cheese now – that’s not enough cheese? I am a sucker. Here.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday