You’re sitting there raising hell with me get out there and go pee. I’ll turn you into a sausage.
The entire lawn does not require inspection!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
You’re sitting there raising hell with me get out there and go pee. I’ll turn you into a sausage.
The entire lawn does not require inspection!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
What are you, working for the TSA? Stop inspecting the dishwasher.
Hoy, banana nose. What’re you doing?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Thank you for not slamming into the cement post
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Don’t woof at me! I am not taking your shit!
…says the woman very clearly taking the dog’s shit.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
No context theater: N: What’s the name of the unit we use to measure viscosity?
Me: Molasseses. Molassi?
Typo of the day: this is hulkshit
#writing
There are a lot of cars in my area with yellow stickers on the back that say “new driver. please be patient”.
I want one that says old driver. get off my roads”
Any time you feel especially burnt out remember that there’s a quantum physics theory that there’s really only one electron in the entire universe holding the whole thing together — and that bitch is overworked. It’s a good day not to be the electron.
Billboard: where are you going? Heaven? Or hell? Me: POTTSTOWN.
If every time you walk into the house it smells horrible but you’ve cleaned everything you can think of, check to see if the dogs think the door mat is a pee pad. #askMeHowIKnow #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday #eeew #soMuchPee
I will turn you into a pair of slippers!
I will turn you into a pierogi!
So help me I will turn you into a boot!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Dear all the people naming shopping centers: you can’t be a “town square” if you’re a strip mall going down the side of a highway
Achievement unlocked: grocery shopping in the start of a blizzard
If you’re driving on a grey day when it’s snowing sideways it would be good if you turned on your goddamned headlights especially if you’re driving a grey SUV
sigh
One of the stories that I published, which was only available to read in an anthology, is now available online:
Three Minutes Ahead
boyertownareaexpression.town.news/g/boyerto…
Something in the living room is being torn to pieces. But the dogs have been barking and yelling for attention all damn day. Right now even if it’s the sofa they’re tearing apart I think I’m ok with it. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Stop sticking your toys under the refrigerator, Mei.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
[ominously] You have missed the turn. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Eat your breakfast. Eat! What is this look? It doesn’t have cheese on it? You are running a con. This is a con you know. OK here’s some cheese now – that’s not enough cheese? I am a sucker. Here.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
Doctor: do you exercise? Me: Yes! Doctor: What do you do? Yoga? Pilates? Me: I carry heavy shit in the living room we’ve decided we’re not going to use down the death stairs and then I carry heavy shit we’ve decided to use up the death stairs.
Stop steaming my ankles!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
It is all River ears and snow beard over here
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
No we are not playing fetch. It’s one in the morning.
What are you going to do with that chunk of ice? It’s the size of your head.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
that same dumbass ai pronounced sarsaparilla as sar-sa-pa-rilla. i wanted to cry.