Things the dogs have been called in the lastt 24 hours: Turkey butt A cute little potato Screamy My little ballerina Dumbass

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Today I learned that Bogota is not pronounced like Abe Vigoda.

Overheard: Why is there a halftime pop tart?

Is licking the door frame necessary?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Would you stop trying to climb my shoulder?! You are NOT A PARROT

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

If you keep it up I’m going to offer you some mulled wine.

You’re not supposed to like the wine.

Stop licking the wine glass.

You are the most stubborn…

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

It’s Christmas Day not Barking Day.

Don’t lose the plot here, kid, keep moving.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Look, the pee isn’t gonna pee itself. You gotta do it.

And how are we over here, Meltdown City?

I see we’re back to running Mei’s Burial Ground for Otherwise New Toys

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Ok y’all don’t have any toys that go crunch so what am I hearing? … Myka, why are eating Mei’s collar? Mei is supposed to be wearing Mei’s collar…. Well I hate to ruin the surprise but it looks like Santa’s bringing collars for Christmas. Or sometime that week.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

things Kaylee has been called last 24 hours:

• stompy face
• pickle butt
• grumplestiltskin (credit to my BIL for that one)
• little miss piss pot
• pretty pretty princess

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: See, we have warm blankets, a soft sofa and Zoë: HIC Me: and the hiccups. What more could we ask for?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Saturday night heckling science YouTube videos. Like you do.

I do not know how some of these folks don’t set their workshops on fire regularly.

Me: hey can Mark and I trade games? TD: NO.

I tried

#pinball #tournament

Happy Diwali!

Bring the unicorn back in the house please

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: I am going to get so much done today! Washing machine: hey one of the crate mats blew into a million pieces in here…? Me: and if I’m lucky at least one of those things I do will actually be planned :|

Seriously, Vicks, VapoTub was RIGHT THERE. How did you miss it?

As expected, the award for Best Mom Ever goes unanimously to the woman with the bag of leftover chicken liver.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Do not lick the dishwasher

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Things I threatened to turn Kaylee into if she didn’t stop barking (last 24 hours):

• slippers
• pajamas
• fertilizer
• toothpaste
• an elegant footstool

Note: threats are wholly ineffective

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: ok time to strip the bed Kaylee: oh hang on let me come up. [Stands right in front of me on the sheets] So, how’s it going?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Made finals in my division #pinball

Why are you yelling at the lawn?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogaToday

Overheard: bluetooth is SCSI in wireless form

(I can tell how old you are by whether you just shuddered)

Science educators: [dramatic intro to the idea that the magnetic field flips every once in a while] Me: seriously, did nobody else read that Choose Your Own Adventure except me and my friends? I mean it was the best one with both archaeopteryx and the magnetic field switch — did everyone forget?

Design System Design Ops: Yak Shaving as a Service

Arguing with my husband over the metric fuck ton to imperial fuck ton is.

Me: Once upon a time there were four little girls. And they were all veterans good puppies. The end. Zoë: grumble groan Me: me too. Oh my god kid you have no idea.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday.

Look at that beautiful sunlight! … ok, bark at that beautiful sunlight. You do you.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Lost track of the number of times I said “screws are not snacks” while putting together flat pack furniture today.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Nobody nests quite like an overtired terrier

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Use means to do something with a tool’s intended purpose. Utilize means to do something with a tool that isn’t its purpose. Example: I used the leaf blower but the leaves were too wet so I had to utilize the snow shovel instead.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you 3 bottles of lemon iced tea instead of unsweetened, yell on the internet about the lack of granularity in choosing substitutes and the general yuck of supply chains in post-pandemic grocery shopping society

Dear apple I don’t need to have a faster Mac right now, I need to be able to pin more than 9 conversations. Help a lady out.

Hey Sketchy, what are you running off with? … stuffed broccoli. Proceed.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you unpacking that whole fish?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Grammarians: don’t end sentences with prepositions. Philadelphians: Where you at? What shirt size’re you in? ‘Sup?

We’re watching the Phillies game and of course yelling at the TV.

The dogs at the doggie door: www.youtube.com/watch

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Stuck ball runner up: quicksilver’s top rollovers. I have no idea how I balanced a ball on the top of one.

Stuck ball of the day: ball is lodged against a nut in the drain area above the trough on Funhouse. Never saw that before, couldn’t do it intentionally on a bet.

I really don’t think lambchop needs to go out at 6am…. And there she goes so I guess Mei disagrees.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Number of minutes it took for the dogs to find their way under the deck when I took the blocks away so it could be pressure washed: zero. Zero minutes.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You’re such a good girl! You’re loud… and boisterous… and a petty larcenist… but you’re a good girl.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Get your ass in here and stop barking or I will kill you nine different ways and invent two more for good measure

(To Zoë, who started barking at the neighbor kids outside the minute I stepped in the shower and did not stop until I was dressed and threatening murder)

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You can chew [your treat] in the house, I’m confident you can, I’ve seen you do it before

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

That’s right, take it out on the crate mat.

You’re not getting something just because I’m leaning on the gate, you scroungy sausage.

Why are you all wet? Did you roll in the grass?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

“I found a tooth in the washing machine” is on the list of things I didn’t think I would be saying this week

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Grump later. Pee now.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Why are you hitting me with a pig?

Please don’t taste test the soap.

Do not eat the kitchen sweepings.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Why are you all throwing things off my couch?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Mei: squeaksqueak* Me: put the squeaky frog down, Mei, it’s 3:30 in the morning, nobody wants to hear you Mei: [drops frog] [picks up extremely loud pig behind me] SQUEAK Me, jumping straight out of my skin: sweet Jesus

#ThingsISaidToTheDogs Today

Lambchop doesn’t need to serenade the neighbors at 11pm

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Parents can be very enriching in what they teach us. They can also ruin that enrichment. To wit: the Carmen Suite came up on my iPhone randomly. Good, yes? Culture? Classical music? Except my dad taught me the words.

🎶Toreador, don’t spit on the floor. Use the cuspidor right by the door.🎶

Me: I am throwing out the broken toys Myka: I am riding on your back like a mountain goat Mei: No see I need dis toy [runs off with toy] [repeat for every toy] #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: here is your new ramp to go out the doggie door Dogs: new chew toy!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

If you keep barking I’m gonna- I’ll not feed you dinner. I’ll sternly yell at you about it. I’ll sit here. I dunno. Consequences.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Why do you smell like mustard?

Leave the dead bunny alone.

Cardboard is not food.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Amazing design article of the day: Sarah Wachter-Boettcher’s Hey Designers, they’re gaslighting you medium.com/nice-work…

There’s nothing there you nutballs. Stop chasing the invisible rabbits and go out and go pee

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

A Book Apart is having a warehouse sale and great prices here on physical books. abookapart.com/collectio…

Y’all, stock up on these, the prices are amazing. And so are the authors. And so is the editorial. Do it!

It is bedtime. It is not bark-at-me time. We don’t have a bark-at-me time.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

If you have a hidden cell phone for safety / domestic abuse / etc. purposes SHUT THE PHONE OFF. As soon as you turn it on you will get the alert so USE CAUTION choosing when to turn it back on.

www.fema.gov/press-rel…

It’s a bad body day, with things hurting for no obvious reason in multiple places, and my day is full of meetings.

Me: it’s a simple process. You throw the ball. You catch the ball. You hit the ball N: what? Me: talking to the dogs

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

1. Dog’s got demons again.
2. How did you get grass clippings on your back?
3. You know, I appreciate that seasons are probably one of the drivers of robustness of Terran life and at the same time—this dark at 5am stuff is bullshit and I don’t even like being up this early.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You’re not green enough for me to believe you peed.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You do not need to belch in my face to tell me that you love me

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Ophelia, stop your sobbing and soaking. The garden is watered. The grass seed has washed away. And Hamlet isn’t here anyway. Move on, girl, pull yourself together and go see the fall leaves in New England.

Don’t you catch a goddamned thing you hear me?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

God bless rabbits who get caught in the fence and then get caught by the terriers. And God, please give them a heaven separate from my dogs on the other side of the rainbow bridge because seriously. Nobody likes toothy hugs.

Myka: 4 🐇, 6 🐿️, 12 🐦‍⬛

They say write drunk and edit sober but I think this story might require me to get drunk to figure out what I was trying to say.

What’s up, grumpybottom?

No you may not sleep on the dirty laundry in the hall. Go to bed.

It’s squeaky toy bedtime.

Don’t you squeak th— SQUEAK

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Noooo. Bed time. Sleep time. Mommy will turn you into furniture if you don’t leave her alone time.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

A direct translation of the last 15 minutes of fit-throwing by Kaylee: MOM I WANT A DRINK OF WATER. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN MY CRATE I WANT A DRINK OF WATER.

I am running a kindergarten.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

OH: I put the “amateur” in PAPA

#pinball #iykyk

Youngest person in the tournament is also one of the tournament directors (TDs) so it’s extra fun as a 40ish year old to tell “I NEED AN ADULT” every time I need a TD #pinball

Some folks will tell you dogs can’t count. I’ll tell you that when I took the 1st peppermint shaped squeaky toy away from Mei she went looking for the 2nd. At 3:45am. To serenade the neighbors. Yay! #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I think I left my ability to play pinball in Philly at 5:30 this morning. Took two naps today and still can’t find a shot with two flippers and a radio telescope

just discovered that edictic memory is actually eidetic memory because once again, i’m inventing words based on how i think they were pronounced, not how they’re actually pronounced. Which i guess proves I don’t have eidetic memory or I’d remember how it’s spelled.

that thing where you can hear the dog’s decision to fuss as she’s crossing the house #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I missed the sound of dogs jogging past me on the deck #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

N: are you sure that’s Saturn it’s awfully bright Me: I dunno man I don’t own it #astronomy

That ocean rock looks just like a leaf! [pokes rock with toe] oh it is a leaf.

If you teach someone web accessibility they will spend the rest of their lives furious at restaurant websites. ask me how i know

If you’re ever at a massage and unsure what you should be thinking about while you try to relax, spend your time naming the music that they’re playing. Breakfast with Chainsaws. Goats on parade. Etc.

The best way to describe the soundtrack at the pinball arcade tonight is “80s roller rink” #pinball

My oldest dog and only boy went blind today. The emergency vet was wonderful but other than rule out some causes there was nothing they could do. We’re going hunting for a veterinary ophthalmologist on Tuesday after the holiday.

Everything hurts and I just want my Chance dog to be ok.

Did some php programming tonight, if “build custom template for Wordpress categories page” counts. I do more software engineering as a designer than I do as an engineer but it does feel good to know that I still remember how the language works.

Mostly.

For somebody self-taught anyway.

Let go of the spoon.

You don’t eat dominos, stop chasing their car.

I did not send you out to bark!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

RING THAT BELL #phillies

Been a while since I was home ❤️

Y’know, the K-8 history books made it sound like knowledge of the tricorn hat was going to be a lot more critical to adult-me’s success than I have experienced so far.

Me yelling at Chance for pooping in the house: DUDE. On the scale?! N: Bonus points for style Me: Do not give him bonus points for style!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Came in 5th in a women’s flip frenzy pinball tournament tonight. More amazingly, finished qualifying 14-1, making me 1st seed for the first time in ages. Highs like this are what make the lows worth it

#pinball

Ok time to come in. What do you have there? Oh that’s a big bug. You can leave that there. Do not bring the big bug in the house. Come on. Good girl. Do NOT bring the big bug — I’ll give you a puppy treat. Good girl now come — leave the bug there. Bug doesn’t need to be in the house. Ok let’s go.

Lord, in your infinite wisdom you gave us Jack Russel terriers. In my finite wisdom I have locked two of them downstairs. Bless the three still up here with me with the gift of sleep, to keep me out of the temptation of yelling at them and deliver us from evil. Amen

#ThingsISaidToTheDogaToday

Me: and where are you going? Dog: I’m followin' you!

#evergreen #30 times a day #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

That thing where a dog sniffs one of your ankles and then looks at you like “just where the hell have you been?”

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Apps updating on my phone: Slack Vanguard The bubble level

🎵One of these things is not like the others🎵

I do not need my nostrils licked! It makes the sneezing worse!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Friend ranting about Tommy (the musical): “…and they’re worried that Tommy’s going to hell! They should be worried about themselves! They killed his dad!”

Pan to a different friend staring as if horrified.

“Spoilers!” First friend adds.

2nd friend: “Did you just… did you just spoil Rugrats?”

Playing Final Fantasy Crisis Core now. Zach, the protagonist, appears to be in his mid-20s but carries on like a 16 year old who just got a bad zit on date night. He’s pushing for a promotion at work. Based on the rest of Shinra’s employees’ attitudes in other games, he’ll be a manager within a week

It’s easy to taunt the dogs for not having thumbs but I think we need to give our shoulders and elbows more credit. Without the massive amounts of rotation in our forelimbs those thumbs would still be pretty useless. A dog has never done a quality snow angel.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Dogs got me up so early I’m back in bed before the 5:28 train rumbled through. I’m being spicy on the internet and hope I go back to sleep soon

Praise the god of your choosing that dogs find chewing on things both physically and cognitively tiring. The three rowdy ones got ostrich bones tonight and now they’re settling down to sleep like we’d spent the day chasing rabbits.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Please mask up. While we are certainly not where we were in 2020 with COVID-19, it is still dangerous and the hospitals are starting to fill up again. The last thing we need is to burn our collective health services staff out again. Be safe.

There’s a new variant of COVID-19 going around and cases are ticking up. Biggest risks are large groups of people, indoors, and in unventilated spaces, such as:

• traveling in europe
• at a beyonce concert
• at a pinball tournament
• from friends
• on a domestic flight

Please stop licking the touchpad

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

No context theater: What a set of tits on that ball!

The human brain: capable of accusing natural weather phenomena of being “a goddamned traitor” since the human brain

The entire pinball tournament just paused to watch the Phillies get a no-hitter #pinball #baseball

Hamlet: To be, or not to be? [cracks open beer] that is the question. [raises beer to roast audience, takes a long drink] Whether it’s nobler in the mind…

It is not laser pistol time. It is two in the morning. You cannot have your laser pistol. You can have it back in the morning.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You’ve got monkey guts* all over the floor. What do you expect from me?

• Stuffed animal stuffing

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

accidentally slipped an “n” into all the terms for people with different types of colorblindness or CVD. dichromacy became dichromancy and i think that means you can cast spells in two colors now

I don’t think you need to headbutt me to show me you love me. I’m just sayin'.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I think you’re just using me to get kangaroo treats.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Hey! I did not bring the princess of barking in the house for the queen to take over! Shut it!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: [sneaks into bed and under the covers] Mei: YIPE! Me, sighing: ok I’ll fell you a bedtime story

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Bartender: drink this, it’s whisky. I started pouring from the wrong bottle. It’s Jim beam. Me: tastes cardboard-y Bartender: well yeah, it’s Jim beam!

Bonus: if you put alt text on an image in micro.blog it flows to tumblr, mastodon, and bluesky. Woot!

Y’all. Alt text in case it doesn’t make it to the other channels: High score 3 on godfather with 59,280,559 and my pinball initials BUG

#pinball

Shit talking my husband while we’re playing different machines during a tournament is one of my favorite parts of #pinball

Things I would do if I had a Time Machine: go back to the founding fathers and persuade them to call the country “America’s United States” so I don’t have to scroll past so many countries in select menus

Sometimes I feel like the Spiders Georg of accumulating weird friends.

Playing around with micro.blog since the twitterverse has fragmented.