If you’re one of those developers who tells me that people with slow internet connections don’t exist, I invite you to come join me at any hospital in Pennsylvania. We’ll jump on the patient wifi and try to work between appointments. “Try” is the optimal word here.

Dear Pennsylvania: it is illegal to drive around with snow on the top of your vehicle. That includes your pick up truck. That includes the cover on the back of your pick up truck. If the snow falls off your vehicle and causes me to have an accident you’re the one who is liable for the accident.

If you’re a side sleeper don’t make the mistake of having vaccines put in both shoulders. You’ll run out of shoulders to sleep on. #askMeHowIKnow

No, Chewy, I am not going to provide a rating for my dog’s kidney medications. I don’t even know what value that would add.

Poor tigers. Every time we talk about stress and anxiety we say “they’re definitely things we want to have happen when we’re running from tigers”. It’s never lions or bears or moose. Always tigers. My work stress definitely feels like a herd of angry bison heading toward me.

Attempts to find which channel at the hospital is showing Monday night football have failed due to a lack of Monday 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are out here trying to dodge Last Christmas in Whamageddon… I just lost the contest to avoid the Pennsylvania Lottery Christmas ad. Must really be the season.

I wrote a thing about my husband: boyertownareaexpression.town.news/g/boyerto…

Don’t cross the Starbucks picket lines www.nocontractnocoffee.org

New post up on The Interconnected. It’s about birds. theinterconnected.net/kirabug/t…

Dear all the car designers: can we stop screwing around with the shape of brake lights? I just need them to be two squares one on the left one on the right and rectangle at the top so I can tell the brakes are actually on. Thank you, love anne

Mommy is going to go take a shower. Anyone who follows mommy will also end up in the shower. I recommend you don’t follow mommy.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Spam message: two little drops clear even the worst pain! My brain: I didn’t know they were allowed to sell botulism over the counter

A request: please repost. If there are poems out of copyright you would like to hear me read angrily on YouTube or in a podcast, send me the titles. I have a lot of anger available and we’re going to bring a lot of poetry to life.

I’m not that kind of bitch, kiddo

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

The house spirit has stolen the WD-40

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

No lies detected:

youtube.com/shorts/kl…

#disability

Lord, I don’t care if you make the rabbits smarter, or faster, but you’ve got to stop giving the dogs fresh meat at 2am

We are not eating any toys today.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Fine, I will pay your extortion. Go pee.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Go on! Outside! It’s not just for decoration any more!

—- No you are not playing fetch now. It’s stupid o’clock

—- [hears barking] that better be an axe murderer

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

New proposal: we swap the word “AI” for the word “faeries” because that’s about the level of trust we have (across the board) for the behavior of these apps.

Aww, there’s my girl, standing in the front window, naked as a jay bird.

What, are you running for election? Get out and go pee.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Future archaeologists are going to be so confused about the ostrich bones in the yard.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Well now I am covered in dog snot.

—-

Do not run under the dish detergent! sigh

Well now your butt’s blue.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I wrote about dumping desks and information architecture: theinterconnected.net/kirabug/d…

🎶Oh Adelaide Adelaide ever lovin’ Adelaide is takin’ a chance you’ll pee…🎶

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: If you sleep there you are going to fall off the bed. Myka: [scoots over 1/2 inch]

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me, battling my social anxiety to try to go to a thing I really want to go to. The dogs haven’t gone out. I’m not done my turns in my game. The bathroom needs toilet paper. I didn’t send you that link yet. I — Husband: SHOWER. NOW. Thank god for him. ❤️

Do not eat the screaming sky sausages! #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Humans: omg I had a piece of black pepper between two teeth all day and no one said anything. I am mortified!

My dogs, with entire tendons of meat stuck between their front teeth, flopping around their lips: hey can you throw the ball?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You are interfering with my success criteria

Once again, my chair is not a towel.

What? The other five bones weren’t good enough?

Washing instructions for a travel blanket: Hand wash only. Use mild soap. Air dry.

Me: Squirt with Dawn, hit with garden hose, hang on the laundry lines. Check.

Thieves. I live in a court of thieves.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You can’t sketch the ostrich bone outside to pee. You’ll scare the future archaelologists.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

The holly bush is not food.

Don’t eat the mortar.

Stop licking the toilet.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Maybe don’t eat the grass if it’s going to make you choke

Please stop trying to dry off on my chair

I can’t throw it if you’re standing on it.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

That wasn’t edible the last time you tried to eat it. It’s still not edible. Funny that. #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Gonna recarpet the whole damn living room in pee pad I swear

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you done snorting the chair?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Did you just belch on my hand?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I can’t stop the fireworks. I know they’re going off. You don’t have to keep telling me.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

“Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of questions?”

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Get down from there you tiny devil! #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

OH: Jesus Christ we’ve got Lamb Chops dead all over the place. I didn’t know we were running a Lamb Chop abattoir.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Hey, uh, if you vape or know someone who does, you should probably read this study on heavy metal poisoning in vapes. Lead poisoning is nothing to screw around with. www.ucdavis.edu/news/disp…

You took the elephant’s nose off! Rude.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Why are you giving the cat a dirty look? He didn’t do anything to you.

The cat:

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I have successfully moved a load of laundry to the dryer the same day it was washed.

You may send my Nobel to my address of record.

You’re nesting on my pajamas. Could you NOT nest on my pajamas? I need those [tug tug] thank [tug] you.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Zoë is terrified of June bugs which keep buzzing her and landing on her back.

Myka thinks they are delicious crunchy sky raisins.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Could you please stop eating the crunchy sky raisins?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

every time a website has the “remember me” checkbox on it i get earwormed. and then i get sad. life is weird that way.

youtu.be/A0azOIk0K…

OH: If you win your round you can take anything off the prize table except the menu and the napkins

#pinball #tournament

Dear MLB: we have a solution for “did it hit him?” over in cricket. How about adding SNICKO and a hotspot camera to baseball? It’s awesome to watch

I am covered in so. much. pee.

Zoë has a bladder infection and insisted on sitting in my lap the entire 4 hours we were at the urgent care.

Please excuse me I have to go launder myself and a dog.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Two things to add to this video by Hank Green:

1. This is why I worked for a company in CA living in PA
2. The social model of disability: if your body is a mismatch to your environment, you’re disabled.

youtu.be/JcwO11MQ5…

#disability #accessibility #vlog brothers

Calendar entry: Sun’s out. Buns fucking out —- Show me your rabbits

Me, chasing Myka around the back yard so I can put her harness on: I am a persistence predator! You are not! I will wear you down!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Do not lick the fork in the parking lot! #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Did you just bark at my pillow?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Where’s Zoë? Did you stuff her in her locker?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Clothes pins are not for eating

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Hypothesis: if I drink a coke while eating the mint Oreos, I won’t eat as many because the two tastes clash like toothpaste and OJ. Test: open package of Oreos, eat with coke. Result: I have developed a taste for mint Oreos and coke. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why can’t the trash be proactive and take itself out for a change?

You stink to high hell

I’m not giving you a treat for ringing to doorbell to come in when the door is open and you’ve been in the whole time. No.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Those are clean dishes in the dishwasher. There’s no point in licking them.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Sassing me? I will turn you into a pizza #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

OH: once upon a time there was a pony with a really cool haircut. The end. Go to sleep.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Stop eating the tree

** You are not an electrical plug. You can’t go behind the TV.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you done shopping? Can I close the fridge door now?

It’s dirt. Mommy’s got to make sure the dirt on your fur doesn’t have legs. That’s what I’m for.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

How much bellyaching do you think people would do if around age 30 we got a 3rd set of teeth? Just pushed those worn out adult teeth out of your skull for a bright shiny, and incredibly sharp set of new senior teeth?

That is not your refrigerator! Stop licking it!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You have done a great job of guarding the house today. You’ve given 110%. I need you to give like 90%. Maybe 85%. We already know the neighbors live here

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Check your tuna folks. Botulism kills fast. And painfully. www.fda.gov/safety/re…

Wait if you’re behind me, who’s digging?

No, we’re not digging up the drainage pipes, baby, it’s 11pm.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Got 25 minutes of fiction writing done today which is more than I’ve done in over a year. Only stopped because they were closing the arcade. (Noise blocking headphones are a godsend.)

Have you heard about our lord and savior “outside”? I need you to go do your preaching about him OUTSIDE.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I thought I was having a good game of Mando until the other player showed up.

The Bally drop target gods giveth, the Bally gods taketh away #pinball

The dogs are at home sleeping off 4 vaccines and we are at a flip frenzy tournament at the bar.

Me, looking down the center drain of Batman 66 pinball machine: GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME YOU ASSHOLE

It is Big Feels day since all 3 dogs are getting their physicals and all their shots today.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Enjoy a montage of photos I call “trying to do the laundry” #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you yelling at your butt?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I don’t think you need three bones, little dragon

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Would you please stop trying to fall off the couch?

—- Yes. I pet another dog. I know it was a crime and I did it anyway.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you done snorting my sofa? #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You are standing on my liver.

Yeah I see you giving her the evil eye. They can see you giving her the eye from space.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Are you comfy? Is that your personal bath mat now?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

New Zealand is playing Pakistan on ESPN+ and it’s too cold for me to do stuff outside so if you need me I’ll be knitting and watching cricket

If you have experienced the road in Pennsylvania, that is not under construction please report it to PennDOT

Go chase the train

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Did you just bark at the weather?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

What the heck is going on over there?

Look princess there is no need to be so loud when i’m RIGHT HERE

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Lord, we thank you for wild rabbits and their life-sustaining meat. We thank you for dogs, who have helped us catch rabbits for 30,000 years. We thank you for Cabot extra sharp pre-sliced cheddar cheese, which separated Myka from her quarry, eventually.

Lord, we thank you for whiskey…

when I can say “hey siri, show me the apple pencils compatible with the ipad you’re running on” and get the damn apple store already filtered to the ones that work on my ipad, then we’ll be getting somewhere.

If you don’t keep your car in a garage, ESPECIALLY HONDAS, you may need to keep your keys in a faraday box.

6abc.com/post/thie…

I know, I know, nobody expects the Velcro inquisition

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Don’t bark with your mouth full

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Smells like raccoon farts out here. What is your sister chasing? Raccoon farts?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

me [taps dog on shoulder]: could you not do that maybe? dog: smacks me with her nose, continues to bark

are you guarding your puke?

[after I got lightly nipped during play] if you can’t keep track of where your teeth are, keep them in your mouth

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Dog: [drops a bone off the couch with a bang] Me: you’re very good at that

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

militant decency homework assignment: find one tiktok, youtube short, meme, what-have-you that makes you laugh out loud or go HUH, that ISN’T about politics, and post it on all your socials. Today. It’s friday, y’all, we’ve got to relax

Missed the magic window of perfect bath temperature, again

still waiting for Vicks to come out with bath bombs named Vicks Vapo Tub

Are you eating a rock? No wonder you’re so confused. That’s a rock. Spit it out.

…And that’s why we don’t have card catalogs anymore. The end.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

“Somebody is going to get something out of [your prejudices] and it isn’t going to be you.”

youtu.be/8K6-cEAJZ…

cross-posting in case micro.blog doesn’t pick it up: Your Militant Decency Update for the Weekend

kirabug.com/wordpress…

Current status: job hunting for my dog.

Did you just lick the remote?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Barkopedia here is reading off her table of contents

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: I am going to bed early tonight! The dogs: the heck you are!

Back up, I have to let Groucho Barks out past you.

How many times do I have to tell you to stop hiding bones in the bed frame?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

My dog believes her full name is “mei mei puppy treats” and she’s not coming inside for anything less.

#ThingsISaidAboutTheDogsToday

Has anyone ever figured out how the characters in Cars could see in their own mirrors? I can’t see my own ears and they’re placed similarly.

Well that didn’t work according to your nefarious plans, did it?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I know. You were almost asleep when your sister decided to parkour all over the furniture. I’m sorry.

Would you make up your mind about that bone and go to bed?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Fine. Once upon a time there were two princesses and they were very tired so they went to sleep. The end. Now go to sleep.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Do you want me to read you a bedtime story? Ok. Once upon a time there were two princesses. The end. Now go to sleep.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Myka! Mykes! Get in here. It’s time for bed. Stop eating all the ice. Honey we had an ice storm, there’s too much ice to eat. No, get in here you’ll [brain fritzes out] drown…

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Every night about a half hour after lights go out Zoë needs to go pee. Every. Night. Yes, I’ve tried that. And that too.

People tell me I’ll never know what it’s like to have kids & that’s true because Zoë should live to about 16 and she will never grow out of this.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Girls, where’s the General? Did you stuff her in her locker?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Don’t stick your head in my slipper and then grunt about it!

What’s up, General? Driving all the troops out of the kitchen so you can keep all the scraps to yourself?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

honest to god people i promise you that just providing a text field that accepts mm/dd/yyyy format is enough to capture a birth date. i don’t want a calendar i have to flip back [mumble] many years. i don’t want a select menu to choose the month. just give me the format everyone’s used for forever!

Yeah? You need something from the fridge? I have doubts.

Congrats on scaring away the neighbors in their own yard. They live there. They’re good puppies. [they’re humans.]

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I have reached the stage where I’m like a drug dealer but for YouTube. “Dude if you want science videos man you let me know because I can hook you up with so many channels”

If you would like to learn what it’s like to actually be an Air Traffic Controller, I recommend www.tiktok.com/@sigridel… by Sigrid Ellis, and her other excellent videos.

I assure you that what you hear about ATCs today from a certain specific official is far from the reality.

Lord, teach me to be as easily pleased and satisfied with my life as Mei is with a squeaky ball.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

General relativity at our house #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

New England folks! If you felt the earthquake, please report it! earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquak… #citizenScience

Ok who tracked in the bird feather I found in the hall and what else do I need to know about the yard?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: [opens door to fridge, stands there.] … Why am I in the fridge? [looks down at Zoe who is climbing onto the fridge floor] Why are YOU in the fridge?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I know you don’t have the turning radius of a human but you can do better than that.

Did you just lie to your sister to steal the pig? Yeah, you did. No, the pig canNOT GO OUT IN THE SNOW GET BACK HERE

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

What are you, my poison tester?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

it seems like a good time to remind everyone of Yog’s Law: money flows toward the writer. For god’s sake don’t pay submission fees to have your stuff read.

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Yog%…

so much truth in here. so much.

youtube.com/shorts/mR…

website: measure the dog’s foot while they are standing me: the dog has learned to tap dance

Stop picking the locks

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: are we ready to go back inside? [Dogs sprint in every direction] Me: we are not

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Myka I love you very much but we have to have a talk about eyeballs and ears and personal space

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Poor thing, you’ve got a cowlick on your snout.

No “woof”.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

• You can eat the snow after I get the door closed.
• You can’t have the koala. They have chlamydia. That’s the last thing we need.
• Once again I ask: why are you standing on my head?

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Things I thought would be a much bigger deal than they are in 2025, a list:

• quicksand
• rabid dogs in the streets. (Note: yes I know about my privilege)
• Scarlet Fever
• Exploding nuclear power plants (Note: I use the local power plant as a weather rock.)

I believe in Heaven because I can’t imagine a universe where I won’t see my dogs again.

#grief

You don’t eat Italian food. You’re a dog.

You’re English, you can’t have an Italian hoagie.

You can sigh as dramatically as you want. It’s still my hoagie.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

It’s good to see that 31 years after my last French class and 30 years after dropping Spanish in college I’m still answering Spanish language questions in French. Thanks brain.

If I was a good mom I’d make you all put your sweaters back on but I’m not a good mom so get out there and pee.

Dogs who bark at the door must go out the door.

I swear I am clean. Stop licking me.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Meow? You’re a dog, sweetie.

Me to Zoë an hour into playing frisbee: How are you not tired yet, asks the woman who will put a thousand hours into an RPG just to get all the characters to level 99

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday