Hey, uh, if you vape or know someone who does, you should probably read this study on heavy metal poisoning in vapes. Lead poisoning is nothing to screw around with. www.ucdavis.edu/news/disp…
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You took the elephant’s nose off! Rude.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Why are you giving the cat a dirty look? He didn’t do anything to you.
The cat:
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I have successfully moved a load of laundry to the dryer the same day it was washed.
You may send my Nobel to my address of record.
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You’re nesting on my pajamas. Could you NOT nest on my pajamas? I need those [tug tug] thank [tug] you.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Zoë is terrified of June bugs which keep buzzing her and landing on her back.
Myka thinks they are delicious crunchy sky raisins.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Could you please stop eating the crunchy sky raisins?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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every time a website has the “remember me” checkbox on it i get earwormed. and then i get sad. life is weird that way.
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OH: If you win your round you can take anything off the prize table except the menu and the napkins
#pinball #tournament
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Dear MLB: we have a solution for “did it hit him?” over in cricket. How about adding SNICKO and a hotspot camera to baseball? It’s awesome to watch
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I am covered in so. much. pee.
Zoë has a bladder infection and insisted on sitting in my lap the entire 4 hours we were at the urgent care.
Please excuse me I have to go launder myself and a dog.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Two things to add to this video by Hank Green:
- This is why I worked for a company in CA living in PA
- The social model of disability: if your body is a mismatch to your environment, you’re disabled.
#disability #accessibility #vlog brothers
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Calendar entry: Sun’s out. Buns fucking out —- Show me your rabbits
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Me, chasing Myka around the back yard so I can put her harness on: I am a persistence predator! You are not! I will wear you down!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Do not lick the fork in the parking lot! #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Did you just bark at my pillow?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Where’s Zoë? Did you stuff her in her locker?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Clothes pins are not for eating
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Hypothesis: if I drink a coke while eating the mint Oreos, I won’t eat as many because the two tastes clash like toothpaste and OJ. Test: open package of Oreos, eat with coke. Result: I have developed a taste for mint Oreos and coke. 🤦🏻♀️
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Why can’t the trash be proactive and take itself out for a change?
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You stink to high hell
I’m not giving you a treat for ringing to doorbell to come in when the door is open and you’ve been in the whole time. No.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Those are clean dishes in the dishwasher. There’s no point in licking them.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Sassing me? I will turn you into a pizza #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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OH: once upon a time there was a pony with a really cool haircut. The end. Go to sleep.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Stop eating the tree
** You are not an electrical plug. You can’t go behind the TV.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Are you done shopping? Can I close the fridge door now?
It’s dirt. Mommy’s got to make sure the dirt on your fur doesn’t have legs. That’s what I’m for.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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How much bellyaching do you think people would do if around age 30 we got a 3rd set of teeth? Just pushed those worn out adult teeth out of your skull for a bright shiny, and incredibly sharp set of new senior teeth?
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That is not your refrigerator! Stop licking it!
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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You have done a great job of guarding the house today. You’ve given 110%. I need you to give like 90%. Maybe 85%. We already know the neighbors live here
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Check your tuna folks. Botulism kills fast. And painfully. www.fda.gov/safety/re…
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Wait if you’re behind me, who’s digging?
No, we’re not digging up the drainage pipes, baby, it’s 11pm.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Got 25 minutes of fiction writing done today which is more than I’ve done in over a year. Only stopped because they were closing the arcade. (Noise blocking headphones are a godsend.)
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Have you heard about our lord and savior “outside”? I need you to go do your preaching about him OUTSIDE.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I thought I was having a good game of Mando until the other player showed up.
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The Bally drop target gods giveth, the Bally gods taketh away #pinball
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The dogs are at home sleeping off 4 vaccines and we are at a flip frenzy tournament at the bar.
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Me, looking down the center drain of Batman 66 pinball machine: GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME YOU ASSHOLE
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It is Big Feels day since all 3 dogs are getting their physicals and all their shots today.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Enjoy a montage of photos I call “trying to do the laundry” #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Are you yelling at your butt?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I don’t think you need three bones, little dragon
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Would you please stop trying to fall off the couch?
—- Yes. I pet another dog. I know it was a crime and I did it anyway.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Are you done snorting my sofa? #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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You are standing on my liver.
Yeah I see you giving her the evil eye. They can see you giving her the eye from space.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Are you comfy? Is that your personal bath mat now?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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New Zealand is playing Pakistan on ESPN+ and it’s too cold for me to do stuff outside so if you need me I’ll be knitting and watching cricket
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If you have experienced the road in Pennsylvania, that is not under construction please report it to PennDOT
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Go chase the train
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Did you just bark at the weather?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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What the heck is going on over there?
Look princess there is no need to be so loud when i’m RIGHT HERE
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Lord, we thank you for wild rabbits and their life-sustaining meat. We thank you for dogs, who have helped us catch rabbits for 30,000 years. We thank you for Cabot extra sharp pre-sliced cheddar cheese, which separated Myka from her quarry, eventually.
Lord, we thank you for whiskey…
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when I can say “hey siri, show me the apple pencils compatible with the ipad you’re running on” and get the damn apple store already filtered to the ones that work on my ipad, then we’ll be getting somewhere.
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If you don’t keep your car in a garage, ESPECIALLY HONDAS, you may need to keep your keys in a faraday box.
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I know, I know, nobody expects the Velcro inquisition
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Don’t bark with your mouth full
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Smells like raccoon farts out here. What is your sister chasing? Raccoon farts?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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me [taps dog on shoulder]: could you not do that maybe? dog: smacks me with her nose, continues to bark
are you guarding your puke?
[after I got lightly nipped during play] if you can’t keep track of where your teeth are, keep them in your mouth
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Dog: [drops a bone off the couch with a bang] Me: you’re very good at that
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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militant decency homework assignment: find one tiktok, youtube short, meme, what-have-you that makes you laugh out loud or go HUH, that ISN’T about politics, and post it on all your socials. Today. It’s friday, y’all, we’ve got to relax
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Missed the magic window of perfect bath temperature, again
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still waiting for Vicks to come out with bath bombs named Vicks Vapo Tub
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Are you eating a rock? No wonder you’re so confused. That’s a rock. Spit it out.
…And that’s why we don’t have card catalogs anymore. The end.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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“Somebody is going to get something out of [your prejudices] and it isn’t going to be you.”
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cross-posting in case micro.blog doesn’t pick it up: Your Militant Decency Update for the Weekend
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Current status: job hunting for my dog.
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Did you just lick the remote?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Barkopedia here is reading off her table of contents
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: I am going to bed early tonight! The dogs: the heck you are!
Back up, I have to let Groucho Barks out past you.
How many times do I have to tell you to stop hiding bones in the bed frame?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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My dog believes her full name is “mei mei puppy treats” and she’s not coming inside for anything less.
#ThingsISaidAboutTheDogsToday
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Has anyone ever figured out how the characters in Cars could see in their own mirrors? I can’t see my own ears and they’re placed similarly.
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Well that didn’t work according to your nefarious plans, did it?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I know. You were almost asleep when your sister decided to parkour all over the furniture. I’m sorry.
Would you make up your mind about that bone and go to bed?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Fine. Once upon a time there were two princesses and they were very tired so they went to sleep. The end. Now go to sleep.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Do you want me to read you a bedtime story? Ok. Once upon a time there were two princesses. The end. Now go to sleep.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Myka! Mykes! Get in here. It’s time for bed. Stop eating all the ice. Honey we had an ice storm, there’s too much ice to eat. No, get in here you’ll [brain fritzes out] drown…
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Every night about a half hour after lights go out Zoë needs to go pee. Every. Night. Yes, I’ve tried that. And that too.
People tell me I’ll never know what it’s like to have kids & that’s true because Zoë should live to about 16 and she will never grow out of this.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Girls, where’s the General? Did you stuff her in her locker?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Don’t stick your head in my slipper and then grunt about it!
What’s up, General? Driving all the troops out of the kitchen so you can keep all the scraps to yourself?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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honest to god people i promise you that just providing a text field that accepts mm/dd/yyyy format is enough to capture a birth date. i don’t want a calendar i have to flip back [mumble] many years. i don’t want a select menu to choose the month. just give me the format everyone’s used for forever!
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Yeah? You need something from the fridge? I have doubts.
Congrats on scaring away the neighbors in their own yard. They live there. They’re good puppies. [they’re humans.]
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I have reached the stage where I’m like a drug dealer but for YouTube. “Dude if you want science videos man you let me know because I can hook you up with so many channels”
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If you would like to learn what it’s like to actually be an Air Traffic Controller, I recommend www.tiktok.com/@sigridel… by Sigrid Ellis, and her other excellent videos.
I assure you that what you hear about ATCs today from a certain specific official is far from the reality.
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Lord, teach me to be as easily pleased and satisfied with my life as Mei is with a squeaky ball.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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General relativity at our house #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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New England folks! If you felt the earthquake, please report it! earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquak… #citizenScience
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Ok who tracked in the bird feather I found in the hall and what else do I need to know about the yard?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: [opens door to fridge, stands there.] … Why am I in the fridge? [looks down at Zoe who is climbing onto the fridge floor] Why are YOU in the fridge?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I know you don’t have the turning radius of a human but you can do better than that.
Did you just lie to your sister to steal the pig? Yeah, you did. No, the pig canNOT GO OUT IN THE SNOW GET BACK HERE
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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What are you, my poison tester?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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it seems like a good time to remind everyone of Yog’s Law: money flows toward the writer. For god’s sake don’t pay submission fees to have your stuff read.
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so much truth in here. so much.
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website: measure the dog’s foot while they are standing me: the dog has learned to tap dance
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Stop picking the locks
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: are we ready to go back inside? [Dogs sprint in every direction] Me: we are not
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Myka I love you very much but we have to have a talk about eyeballs and ears and personal space
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Poor thing, you’ve got a cowlick on your snout.
No “woof”.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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- You can eat the snow after I get the door closed.
- You can’t have the koala. They have chlamydia. That’s the last thing we need.
- Once again I ask: why are you standing on my head?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Things I thought would be a much bigger deal than they are in 2025, a list:
- quicksand
- rabid dogs in the streets. (Note: yes I know about my privilege)
- Scarlet Fever
- Exploding nuclear power plants (Note: I use the local power plant as a weather rock.)
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I believe in Heaven because I can’t imagine a universe where I won’t see my dogs again.
#grief
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You don’t eat Italian food. You’re a dog.
You’re English, you can’t have an Italian hoagie.
You can sigh as dramatically as you want. It’s still my hoagie.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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It’s good to see that 31 years after my last French class and 30 years after dropping Spanish in college I’m still answering Spanish language questions in French. Thanks brain.
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If I was a good mom I’d make you all put your sweaters back on but I’m not a good mom so get out there and pee.
Dogs who bark at the door must go out the door.
I swear I am clean. Stop licking me.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Meow? You’re a dog, sweetie.
Me to Zoë an hour into playing frisbee: How are you not tired yet, asks the woman who will put a thousand hours into an RPG just to get all the characters to level 99
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday