Smells like raccoon farts out here. What is your sister chasing? Raccoon farts?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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me [taps dog on shoulder]: could you not do that maybe? dog: smacks me with her nose, continues to bark
are you guarding your puke?
[after I got lightly nipped during play] if you can’t keep track of where your teeth are, keep them in your mouth
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Dog: [drops a bone off the couch with a bang] Me: you’re very good at that
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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militant decency homework assignment: find one tiktok, youtube short, meme, what-have-you that makes you laugh out loud or go HUH, that ISN’T about politics, and post it on all your socials. Today. It’s friday, y’all, we’ve got to relax
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Missed the magic window of perfect bath temperature, again
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still waiting for Vicks to come out with bath bombs named Vicks Vapo Tub
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Are you eating a rock? No wonder you’re so confused. That’s a rock. Spit it out.
…And that’s why we don’t have card catalogs anymore. The end.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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“Somebody is going to get something out of [your prejudices] and it isn’t going to be you.”
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cross-posting in case micro.blog doesn’t pick it up: Your Militant Decency Update for the Weekend
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Current status: job hunting for my dog.
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Did you just lick the remote?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Barkopedia here is reading off her table of contents
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: I am going to bed early tonight! The dogs: the heck you are!
Back up, I have to let Groucho Barks out past you.
How many times do I have to tell you to stop hiding bones in the bed frame?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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My dog believes her full name is “mei mei puppy treats” and she’s not coming inside for anything less.
#ThingsISaidAboutTheDogsToday
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Has anyone ever figured out how the characters in Cars could see in their own mirrors? I can’t see my own ears and they’re placed similarly.
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Well that didn’t work according to your nefarious plans, did it?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I know. You were almost asleep when your sister decided to parkour all over the furniture. I’m sorry.
Would you make up your mind about that bone and go to bed?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Fine. Once upon a time there were two princesses and they were very tired so they went to sleep. The end. Now go to sleep.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Do you want me to read you a bedtime story? Ok. Once upon a time there were two princesses. The end. Now go to sleep.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Myka! Mykes! Get in here. It’s time for bed. Stop eating all the ice. Honey we had an ice storm, there’s too much ice to eat. No, get in here you’ll [brain fritzes out] drown…
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Every night about a half hour after lights go out Zoë needs to go pee. Every. Night. Yes, I’ve tried that. And that too.
People tell me I’ll never know what it’s like to have kids & that’s true because Zoë should live to about 16 and she will never grow out of this.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Girls, where’s the General? Did you stuff her in her locker?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Don’t stick your head in my slipper and then grunt about it!
What’s up, General? Driving all the troops out of the kitchen so you can keep all the scraps to yourself?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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honest to god people i promise you that just providing a text field that accepts mm/dd/yyyy format is enough to capture a birth date. i don’t want a calendar i have to flip back [mumble] many years. i don’t want a select menu to choose the month. just give me the format everyone’s used for forever!
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Yeah? You need something from the fridge? I have doubts.
Congrats on scaring away the neighbors in their own yard. They live there. They’re good puppies. [they’re humans.]
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I have reached the stage where I’m like a drug dealer but for YouTube. “Dude if you want science videos man you let me know because I can hook you up with so many channels”
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If you would like to learn what it’s like to actually be an Air Traffic Controller, I recommend www.tiktok.com/@sigridel… by Sigrid Ellis, and her other excellent videos.
I assure you that what you hear about ATCs today from a certain specific official is far from the reality.
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Lord, teach me to be as easily pleased and satisfied with my life as Mei is with a squeaky ball.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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General relativity at our house #ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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New England folks! If you felt the earthquake, please report it! earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquak… #citizenScience
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Ok who tracked in the bird feather I found in the hall and what else do I need to know about the yard?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: [opens door to fridge, stands there.] … Why am I in the fridge? [looks down at Zoe who is climbing onto the fridge floor] Why are YOU in the fridge?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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I know you don’t have the turning radius of a human but you can do better than that.
Did you just lie to your sister to steal the pig? Yeah, you did. No, the pig canNOT GO OUT IN THE SNOW GET BACK HERE
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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What are you, my poison tester?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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it seems like a good time to remind everyone of Yog’s Law: money flows toward the writer. For god’s sake don’t pay submission fees to have your stuff read.
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so much truth in here. so much.
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website: measure the dog’s foot while they are standing me: the dog has learned to tap dance
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Stop picking the locks
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Me: are we ready to go back inside? [Dogs sprint in every direction] Me: we are not
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Myka I love you very much but we have to have a talk about eyeballs and ears and personal space
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Poor thing, you’ve got a cowlick on your snout.
No “woof”.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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- You can eat the snow after I get the door closed.
- You can’t have the koala. They have chlamydia. That’s the last thing we need.
- Once again I ask: why are you standing on my head?
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Things I thought would be a much bigger deal than they are in 2025, a list:
- quicksand
- rabid dogs in the streets. (Note: yes I know about my privilege)
- Scarlet Fever
- Exploding nuclear power plants (Note: I use the local power plant as a weather rock.)
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I believe in Heaven because I can’t imagine a universe where I won’t see my dogs again.
#grief
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You don’t eat Italian food. You’re a dog.
You’re English, you can’t have an Italian hoagie.
You can sigh as dramatically as you want. It’s still my hoagie.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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It’s good to see that 31 years after my last French class and 30 years after dropping Spanish in college I’m still answering Spanish language questions in French. Thanks brain.
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If I was a good mom I’d make you all put your sweaters back on but I’m not a good mom so get out there and pee.
Dogs who bark at the door must go out the door.
I swear I am clean. Stop licking me.
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday
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Meow? You’re a dog, sweetie.
Me to Zoë an hour into playing frisbee: How are you not tired yet, asks the woman who will put a thousand hours into an RPG just to get all the characters to level 99
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday